Specific goals for WLS

I saw the psychiatrist today for my surgery.  He asked me what my specific goals are.  I didn't really know and gave him some cheesy answer.  But it made me wonder what my goal really are.

Of course I want to lose weight, 100 pounds or more, but what else?

I want to be active.  I want to run races, I want to snow shoe and kayak and ride a bike without feeling like I'm going to fall off. 

I want to ride on the back of a motorcycle and not feel like I'm going to tip the bike.

I want to not be embarrassed of my size in pictures.

I want to have energy to play with Boo.

I want to have energy to play with Big Boo!

I want to get off the couch.

I want to shop for cute clothes anywhere I want.

I want to be strong.

I want to not be best friends with food and use it to comfort myself.

I want to live life to the fullest.

I don't want to hurt when I do any physical activity unless it's the good-I've-worked-out-hard kind of pain.

I want to feel as young on the outside as I do in the inside.

I want to try new things and not be so afraid, like:

               Skiing
               Skating
               Ice skating
               Wall climbing
               Kayaking
            
I want to not be so embarrassed to interact with new people, like in school.

I don't want to be the fattest person in the room.

There are so many more reasons, I'll have to keep adding to the list when they come up. 

More tests

I'm not a good updater!

Last Tuesday I had so many tests: I had labs drawn, 13 tubes, an EKG, chest x-ray and an upper GI.  That was fun!  Actually it wasn't as bad as people made it out to be.

I went to the hospital radiology department in the morning because I needed to be fasting.  They took me into the fluoroscopy room and stood me up against a huge board.  It looked like a ginormous digital x-ray cassette we use to take straight images.  The fluoroscopy machine was in front of me. They gave me a quick rundown of what was going to happen and told me not to worry about remembering, they would walk me thru it.

They asked me if I was ready then they handed me a Styrofoam cup of water. The tech told me that once he put the alkaseltzer like crystals into the water I needed to gulp it down and not belch it out.  He dumped the crystals in and I shot it and it exploded out of my mouth!  I gulped as much as I could and immediately needed to burp.  The lady tech handed me another cup full of barium and told me to once again gulp as quickly as I could. The first gulp went down ok, but the next one got stuck on my gag reflex!  I didn't want to throw up so I swallowed has hard as I could and kept going. I just imagined I was drinking runny chalk flavored yogurt because that was the consistency.  He then laid the table back while I was still on it and had me roll around on the table, taking different pictures of the barium going thru me. Then I had to lay on my left side while I drank a thinner version of barium thru a straw.  All the while I could look up and see what they were looking at.  It was so cool!  When I was done the tech explained to me what I was looking at and I thought it was so nice for him to take the time to explain.  I'm pretty lucky to be in the medical field, especially taking x-rays, so I can understand what he was saying. If I was just a scared patient not knowing what was really involved with the procedure, I would have been very comfortable with him because he was so kind and patient.  They both were!

The EKG was awkward; the tech had me sit in a chair, pull up my bra and shirt, hook me up and do her test.  I felt so embarrassed but whatever, she was nice and it's over. I'm sure there will be more embarrassing tests to do.

I then met with the physical therapist and went thru my exercise goal and was given a pedometer and need to count my steps.  She wants me to start out with a goal of 5000 steps and work up to 10,000. 

Tomorrow is more test: a computer psych test and then I meet with my PCP for my annual exam.  Ug, talk about awkward!

Getting Started

Wednesday is my nurses intake (?) for the bariatric program.  I went to the seminar on October 16th, sent my paper work in and had a pre-program weigh-in on October 25th. The only thing that the program needed and kept calling/emailing me for is my insurance info.  My insurance was supposed to kick in on November 1st and I had been calling the insurance company for my ID numbers and they never seemed to have anything current on me.  Turns out that my HR received my paperwork but never input into their system. It's understandable that they figure that any doctor visits will retro-active covered but I NEEDED those numbers to start the program.  Grrr.

So on 11/1 HR input what they needed to and I made my appointment for Wednesday the 6th.  They had something today at 2:30 but profesora posponed the spanish test to today at 2:30.  :(  So Wednesday it is.  It gives me a day to clean this fricken HOUSE!!! Get some grocery shopping done and dinners put together. I need to get shit together.

I wanted to MAKE SURE my weigh in was high.  I wanted a high BMI so I've been eating.  And eating.  And eating and eating and eating and fucking EATING.  I gained approx 12 lbs and my left knee has been KILLING me.  It almost makes me cry it hurts for fricken bad. I've been eating a shit load but I'm not sure what my weigh in will be on Wednesday.  I hope it's high then I have hopes to start walking at the gym and maybe some muscle training as well.  I have to get a big fat weigh-in tho. 

There will be so many things I'll need to give up to make this surgery successful: food, comfort eating, happy eating, grazing and most of all DRINKING.  That will be hard.  But more on that later...

So sick of it

My uniform for work is so fricken tight!  Every time I put it on it seems to get tighter and tighter.  They are rolling off my rolls and when I set they are soooo tight, in my belly and even my arms.  They're uncomfortable!  I look in the mirror and hate what I see!  My face is so fat it's not even pretty, even with my hair done and make up on.  It makes me so sad to see myself. I haven't been on the scale.  Not that I'm afraid, but that I'm just sick of the same old numbers that I see.  Up to 240, down to 230, up and down over and over. And yet I still eat and eat.  What is wrong with me?

 

I think of all the things I could be doing of I were thin or even just thinner.  I see all the cute clothes that I could be buying (you know E would let me), the way I'd feel so much better about myself, I'd feel prettier, lighter.  I think of the motorcycle I could be riding on the back of if only I were smaller, right now I'd not be so easy to ride around.  I think of all the activities that would be so much easier to do!  The running, the hiking, the snow shoeing, it would all be SO MUCH EASIER!! 

 

My main reason, as vain as it sounds, is that I want to look better and I would love to be able to BUY WHATEVER I WANTED AND LOOK CUTE!!  I'm so sick of my rolls sticking out, my clothes being not only the same ugly ones I've worn for literally YEARS but they are tight and boring and wearing out.  I can't even justify buying new ones because, why?  All the fat clothes are, face it, UGLY and so over priced. I'm so sick of looking blah and feeling uncomfortable.

 

I know that I've written this over and over before and I'm sick of hearing myself saying it but now it's time to do something about it.  I'm so sick of feeling fat and ugly. I need to remember that eating the way I do is making me miserable and is not helping in making me feel any better.  All the mindless over eating is making me fatter and fatter and I'm picking it over picking my life.

Hello, I'm done

I went to Lane Bryant to get some bras today.  First I was SHOCKED by how fricken expensive they are.  $40 for a BRA! I asked the sales lady what was up with that and she replied that they were quality.  BS, I bet the underwire snaps like a cheap one.

I wound up getting some bras for a good deal but they were so hard to find. I'm a common size at 44D.  I"m pretty fat.

I'm sick of shopping at "specialty stores" because of my size.  The clothes, no matter how hard they try to be trendy, always end up looking like crap, they're ill fitting, distort when washed and way too expensive for what you get.  I hate it.

I want to be done shopping in those places.  I want out.